The Great Elvis Expedition:

Day 5, Tuesday, August 13th, 2002 

Day 5, like all of its predecessors, dawned bright and clear. The team, now acting like a finely honed machine, assembled brightly at 8:00 A.M. Tom bought a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts for the road. ( For those who haven’t had them, Krispy Kreme is the Rolls-Royce of pastries, having more sugar per donut than the annual output than Cuba.)’

After boarding the bus and getting our daily instructions from Rusty, we then made a short trip to Lookout Mountain, which overlooks the City of Chattanooga. After the Confederate victory at Chickamauga, the Union troops retreated to Chattanooga. Instead of pursuing them and bringing them to battle, the ever idiotic Braxton Bragg decided to lay siege to the City and occupied the heights of Lookout Mountain and Missionary Ridge, with the aim of starving out the Union army. Unfortunately for him, Lincoln now appointed Ulysses S. Grant to replyace Rosecrans. Within several weeks of his arrival, Grant broke the siege by regaining control of the upstream portion of the Tennessee River and was then apply to provision his hungry troops.

Grant then decided to go on the offensive (Grant’s only way of battling alcoholism was to attack the enemy with everything he had.) On November 24th, 1863 on a fog shrouded day, Grant’s troops attacked and took Lookout Mountain in what became known as the “Battle Above the Clouds.” Lookout Mountain National Monument is a beautiful, serene park overlooking Moccasin Bend in the Tennessee River, and you are filled with awe that the Union soldiers could scale its steep banks and take this position.

From Lookout Mountain, you can then see Missionary Ridge, which was the site of the major battle of Chattanooga. It was here that most of the Confederate army was massed and dug in a series of three reinforced trenches leading up the hill. And it was here that Grant attacked the very next day. His orders to General Thomas were that the Union troops were to take the first trench at the lower end of Missionary Ridge, and then stop, regroup, and wait for further orders. The troops took the first ridge in short order. However, not liking being shot at by the Rebs on top of the Ridge, twenty thousand Union troops, acting against orders, simultaneously said “F….. this, and charged up the hill in what became the most amazing and successful infantry charge in the entire war.

By the end of the day, the Union Army occupied the entire ridge, and Braxton Bragg was forced to make an ignominious retreat. Mercifully Bragg was now relieved of his duties by Jefferson Davis. However, the road was now open for General Sherman to make his march to the sea the following spring. The rest, as they say, is history, leading to the Burning of Atlanta and the making of Gone with the Wind.

After Lookout Mountain, we then proceeded to our next destination, the Jack Daniels Distillery in Lynchburg, Tennessee. Here we took a 90 minute tour of the immaculate facility which produces 6.5 million cases of Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey every year. We learned that what distinguishes Tennessee Whiskey from bourbon is carbon filtration. To test this new found knowledge, we bought a bottle of Jack Daniel’s Single Barrel Tennessee Whiskey and had a sipping session on the bus. Being thusly fortified, we then headed to Nashville, our final destination for the day.

At this point, a few words are in order about Rusty, our team leader. Rusty is a four year old purebred Corgi, a Welsh herding dog of which there are only 600 mating pairs in the United States. Whoever is with Rusty is his herd, so he is constantly near us, yet still unobtrusive. We have also concluded that Rusty is on Prozac, as he is the most mellow dog any of us have every encountered. He sleeps most of the day either next to Ed with his head resting on the foot of whoever is in the front passenger seat. Occasionally, he will walk back and quietly lick someone’s foot. He has never barked or uttered a bad word the entire trip. If we sent Saddam Hussein a Corgi, there would be no need to invade Iraq.

After a several hundred mile drive, we arrived at the Opryland Hotel in Nashville. The hotel is a rather bizarre theme park, with a large waterfall in a glass enclosed atrium. The hotel employees are totally confused about the whole set-up, and this confusion is then communicated to the guests.

Last night, with Rick visiting Cathy’s brother and sister-in law who live nearby, Wiley, Ron, and Tom set off on an adventure that started with a 30 minute taxi ride to an eatery called Prince’s Hot Chicken Shack. Our taxi driver was a Somali who didn’t speak English and didn’t know this location, so he talked in Somali to the dispatcher, who didn’t know either, and she transferred him to another Somali map reader who gave him instructions in Somali. There might be something big brewing in Nashville. Wiley asked him if he had seen Blackhawk Down, but fortunately he didn’t understand. Upon arriving at Prince’s, we each ordered a half a chicken, with baked beans and cole slaw. Ron, the only sane one in the bunch, ordered “mild”, which the cook told him was hot. Wiley, proud of his prowess with eating hot spicy food throughout the South, ordered “hot”. Not to be outdone, Tom also ordered hot. How hot was the fried chicken? Well, Tom’s eyes bulged, he broke out into a sweat, and he could feel the inner walls of his esophagus disintegrating. Even Wiley, after a brave foray, ended up having to take most of the skin off of his chicken. Nevertheless, a good time was had by all.

Following dinner, we then went to the Wild Horse Saloon, using the same Somali taxi driver. We had a great time downing beers to put out the fires in our bellies, and watching very good country western dancers strut their stuff. We then took a different taxi back to our hotel, with a Kenyan driver who waxed philosophical about Africa, Italy (where he worked for 10 years) and Nashville. What a country!

So ended Day 5 of the Great Elvis expedition. Tomorrow it’s on to Tupelo, the birthplace of the King. We are now shifting to the Elvis portion of our trip.

By the way, Elvis is a Norse word meaning “all wise.”